What three words would best describe your personality?

Three words, they said. To best describe my personality, they added. Go ahead, I replied. So they did. So here I am. So here I go.

Firstly, spontaneous. Ask Jack Kerouac and he'll tell you that the finest and most intriguing way of writing absolutely anything at all ever in the world ever is to make it all up completely as you go along. You can quote me on that, but I'd rather you didn't in case I'm wrong. I'm sometimes wrong. Ask someone, they'll tell you. "Don't listen to him," they'll say, "he's just a bedheaded beatnik with nothing better to do in life but pick the fibres of life apart inch by painful inch; examine them, re-examine them, peering at them through studious mirrored sunglasses and mumbling incomprehensible jazz slang.

This, of course, has very little to do with anything much, rather like myself. But spontaneous behaviour gets you places. Mister Kerouac used it to invent modern youth culture. I use it to annoy people and write tedious waffle. Go figure.

Secondly....my second personality trait....inquisitive. Curiosity may have killed that cat, but we all must agree that he died a clever moggy and there are many worse ways to go (choking on a pretzel for example). Therefore, it's surely wisest to be curious about everything and anything in life. Go ahead, knock yourself out. You might be curious about me. You might be curious about the plausibility of lunar colonisation. You might wonder exactly how much wood a woodchuck really COULD chuck if a woodchuck could chuck would (whether he can or not remains to be seen and baffles scientists even up to the present day).

The final personality trait? Far......too......opinionated. You have been reading an example of this. Opinions are fun of course, and variety is naturally the spice of life, and the aforementioned penchant for verbal adlibbing does give me something of a habit of spouting out my opinions one after the other in quick succession. Please feel free to feel smug if you've actually kept up up to this point. I know I haven't.

And there you have it. A tentative and wordy look into my noggin. I hope you enjoyed it, though I can't promise you will. In whatever scenario, always remember this if you remember nothing else I have told you today (even if you forget Kerouac, which I don't usually allow); driving in the rain doubles your braking time by as much as twice.